Day 5

 Orright! So I have definitely decided that I will be leaving here in 2022. That I cannot survive here long term is becoming ever clearer. Whether I survive in my job is also up for debate. Here's why...

Work is driving me spare - I had someone tell me yesterday (via email) what my job is. Technically, they are correct. But. They are also way off:

1: Their role is miles from mine. As in, a whole other department.

2: Their idea/suggestion/statement is accurate in so far as it goes. As I said previously, technically, they are correct. But on-the-ground, in the moment - no. It's not gonna work that way.

3: It is NOT their place to tell a manager in another department how to do their job. I would NEVER tell a manager in the same department how to do their job, let alone another department. Our experiences, communities and challenges are different. What works here won't work in other centres. What works in other centres won't work here - reason this place is such a challenge is that it doesn't fit the accepted paradigm. It can't. Trying to make it do that will destroy the good we have done. The fact it's being forced (or rather, that someone/several someones are trying to force it) is giving me serious pause.

The problem I have is - I love my job. I love my clients. I love that I cam making a difference. But, in the past 2-3 weeks, this person has pushed my buttons multiple times. I get why. I do. But. This is my job. Not theirs. I have been here, in this place, trying to find a way to get things done, for 10 months. They have never been here. Most of the other people who HAVE been here have been for a day or 2. There's a team that comes monthly, for a couple days. They are finally starting to understand how things here are different to everywhere else they operate.

If push comes to shove, I will jump. I'll have to - for my sanity. I will not allow myself to be destroyed by this person's bullshit. It will be devastating to have to walk away from my clients, but I can't help others if I am broken.

Here's hoping it doesn't come to that, that this person backs off before the bandaids stop working.