Day 1 of This Blog

 It's a long weekend here in WA. I planned to go camping, but when the weekend finally rolled around, I was too damn tired (read physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted) to go. So the dog and I have stayed home, watched Amazon Prime and dodged housework.

I've been here 10 months. I love it. The region, the town, the people are all fantastic. I love most aspects of my job. But I am deeply unhappy.

Reason: this isn't IT. I knew that when I decided to move here: I came here to heal. But what I didn't know was that I was going to cop another epic personal loss which would leave me questioning everything I am doing. I had a (hot, platonic) distraction for a while but that's gone (it was nice, having a distraction - being able to look at the 'What if I...' kept me from thinking).

Now though, I am back to thinking (or sleeping) in my down time. And it's not helping me. I cannot, in all good conscience, leave yet. For one thing, I have a responsibility (personally) to my clients to help them. So, I set myself 14 - 18 months. My original plan was 3-5 years, but then things went sideways again. And I can't.

I don't know exactly where I am going. What I do know is it needs to be warm year-round (physical health demands this), green, have some form of option for me to have brief social interactions that doesn't revolve around a pub and preferably within a couple hours (ultimately, right near) the ocean. Not a huge city. Not a Community town (for reasons I will go into another day).

At this stage, I am looking at Cairns. When Troy passed, I looked at Cairns. When I decided to leave Mandurah, I looked at Cairns. When Troy was alive, before we came to WA, we looked at Cairns. When I was with MPH, we looked at a job near Cairns. Apparently, there's something about Cairns.

Will I get there? I don't know. I have feelers out with people who have lived in the NT and FNQ for advice. What I do know is I won't survive here - the line I walk personally and professionally is too painful to sustain. I love my clients, I adore my boss (she is truly incredible), but there are a lot of other factors that are having a serious impact.

The only thing I know for sure is that I have to get to a place where I am more readily accessible to my family. Losing Troy was one thing. Losing Mum (she declined dramatically December 2020-April 2021) was always going to happen - I knew that when I heard her diagnosis. Losing Grug, fighting for Mouse (or helping my sister fight for him), that has brought home how desperately I need to be closer. Or at least somewhere they are more likely to/capable of visiting. I cannot be the length and breadth of the continent if something else goes wrong. 

So that's the plan: batten down, hold it together. Pay off Grug's funeral, Mouse' lawyers. Get the car ready for a long run. Go camping once a month in the Dry. Go barra fishing in the Wet. Get the dog to the dentist. Hold it together, just a bit longer.