19 June 2021

 Well, it's been one helluva week! I think (and I haven't added it up precisely) I worked over 60 hours this week. Next week isn't going to be much better.

I've definitely decided I am jumping. When and to where remains undecided. All I know is, I will make 18-24 months at best unless a miracle happens.

This isn't entirely on work (although the constantly shifting ground under my feet is definitely a factor). Most of it comes from family (my issues with). I knew when I moved here that my mother was dying (lung cancer with a secondary in her brain). I knew, and so did she, that the wedding in April was likely the last time we would see each other. I am ok with that, especially as her personality has changed so much in the past few months. I'd rather remember her happy.

What I didn't know is that I would lose a child. That is something I was very much not prepared for - and I am still processing the feelings and fallout from that. Probably will be for the rest of my life. And it's shifted a lot of things for me.

I still love my job and the town. I adore most of my clients. But the tyranny of distance is becoming really obvious: 2 days minimum to get here or there. Same to get back - if you can get a flight either way. December I had to wait 3 days to get on a plane - 3 days during which my grandson was stuck. At the age of 11 (yes, family were there, but he was in shock -  he found his father dead on the floor - 5 days he waited for me to get home!). What if someone was dying as the result of an accident and I couldn't get home?

That's the reality of living in the time of COVID. It's been my reality for years - and I was OK with it. But I was thinking parents, not my children. That's put a whole new spin on things. And not a pretty one.

I am going to study, starting with hospitality and tourism diplomas. And upskill in disability. Beyond that, I am not sure what next. Wait and see - although I have started packing up stuff I am not sure I will need in the immediate future. Partly because it's therapeutic and partly because work *may* ask me to shift within town in the next few months. I will make 18 months with the company (barring disasters), that I know. But what happens after that is anybody's guess.